Love's Not Supposed to Hurt
by morbidlySWEET
Summary: When Sara gets drunk beyond belief and gets a DUI, Brass calls Grissom, and that is when everything goes wrong. Feelings seem to be easy this time, it's phsyical that has people worried. in this chapter: He could have all that now. He was ready.
1. Chapter One

**ooc;; okay, so this is my first time that I am going to write a story about gsr, though I have role played it before. this story will be based off of that role play, so it might seem a little off to you. just relax when you read. (and if you happen to role play, send me a message.) one a related note, i happen to be only 13 years old, though i will be 14 in a few weeks. i'd like it if you told me if i have good writing/bad writing for my age. also, reviews! if i don't get those, i don't think that i'll want to write. xD**

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"Sara, come on."

Sara lifted her head up from the chair in the police station to see Brass standing, eyes full of worry. She didn't say anything but she stood up and walked over towards him, hugging him.

"Sara, I am going to take you home and then we will-"

She stopped him, words still slurred. "Don't caw, pwese. I don't want sim him."

Brass locked his jaw but he agreed. After all, he'd end up telling Grissom anyways; he always told him when it came to Sara. Grissom could be an ass and act as bad as he wanted to Sara, but he knew the man was head over heels with her. He cared abut everything she did.

Sara nodded and followed him out, his hand guiding her. Brass helped her, but he was going to call Grissom anyways. They were both miserable and she was taking to drinking because of him; he knew that it was because of him. They both needed to grow up, admit it, and then worry about the consequences when they came about, not worrying about them before they even had a chance of occurring.

When they arrived at the house, she sighed and shook her head. "No, Brass; I am a big girl, I swear I can handle myself," said Sara. Having fallen asleep in the car in the car, most of the alcohol had worn off. No, she wasn't sober, but she was able to make complete sentences and make her words understandable.

"If you say so, Sara; just take care of yourself, okay? And stay away from the beer in the fridge; I really don't want to make him come here, honey. Don't let him control your life." He waiting for an answer but he didn't get anything; she was just staring out into space, blinking every now and then. "Well, I am going to go now," he said, needing to get to Grissom. He knew her. The second that he left, she'd have another beer in her hand, trying to make all of her pain go away. "I love you, and don't you ever forget that. And Grissom does, too, you know? He is just too unstable to admit it to even himself."

Minutes after he left, Sara leaned up against the cabinet, drink in hand. Even after getting pulled over and brought home by Brass, she still had the urge to drink; that feeling wasn't going way. The feeling that he gave her. She knew he was going to be here soon, too—Brass had no idea when to keep his mouth shut.

Grabbing another beer, she staggered to the couch, falling onto it and slipping her drink everywhere. "Fuck!" she yelled. Now she had one more thing to add to her list of problems: she was now covered in beer. Managing to place her beer on the side table, she got up, once again, and made her way into the bathroom, turning the water on complete hot water—she needed to feel something real; something that was going to hurt and was supposed to. Love wasn't supposed to hurt!

After many falls and failed attempts, the hazel eyed brunette finally had her clothes off and made her way into the shower. Of course, that didn't last long when she fell on her ass again. "Dammit!" Yelling it as loud as she could, she was sure that everyone in the world could hear her.

And that was when she lost it.

Tears started falling from her eyes, mixing with the water and the shampoo that was running into her eyes. "I hate you!" She screamed it loud again. If Grissom was near she knew that he would have heard it but she didn't care anymore—this was all his fault anyway. It was his fault that she was always drunk, that she could never sleep, and that she never wanted to sleep.

Looking back, she couldn't see how it happened. They used to be happy. They would talk, smile, share secret brushes….but not anymore. Now he was distant and the only time that she got a reaction out of him was when she was with someone else and, even then, all he did then was punish her by putting her on paperwork. She just wanted everything back to normal!

No, she didn't want normal—she wanted him to love her like she loved him.

Tears were still falling, soap in her eyes, but she didn't care. The water was turning cold and she needed to get dressed but what was the point? Grissom didn't care. If she died because she drowned, he wouldn't care at all. She curled up in a ball in the corner, cold water coming onto her face--at least you couldn't tell that she was crying. "I hate you!" she screamed at him again, and this time, he heard it.

**don't forget to hit the review button!**


	2. Chapter Two

_20 minutes ago_

He was standing in his kitchen, a glass of scotch in his hand; it looked like he, too, took up drinking to get rid of everything. He didn't like hurting her, but he didn't know what to do. His job was his life; it was one of the few things that he had let himself get attached to over the years. And now, it was causing all of these problems for him, and for her. Then again, he never would have met her without the lab….

A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts and he placed the cup on the counter, heading towards it. It was almost eleven at night _and, _for once, he didn't have to go into work; tonight was when he needed to catch up on sleep, and there was someone here? When he looked in the peephole, he found Brass, a worried expression on his face. _Please, no extra cases tonight. _He sighed and opened his door, not saying anything, but letting him come in.

"DUI," Brass said as he closed the door, getting a confused look from Grissom. "Sara. Sara she got a DUI tonight, so you might want to stop drinking," he said as Gil picked up the glass of Scotch. "She needs you, Grissom, and you need her, even if you don't want to admit it. Either way, you need to go to her. It's either you or Ecklie, and I think you'd be a lot easier on her, and I don't really want him to use this as a reason to fire her." Okay, so maybe he just wanted Grissom to see the mess that he made, but what he was saying was true. Conrad Ecklie would use anything to get Sara fired.

"Sara got a DUI? Who in the hell was letting her drive, anyways?" He could act like he didn't care later, but this was something important, he figured, as he grabbed his keys, stopping at Brass. "Why was she drinking?"

"Yeah, she did and I think that the guys were with her, but they left long before she lost it." He shook his head, knowing that they'd all pay for it later; he knew Grissom. "And why do you think, genius? I mean, same reason you're drinking, I suppose. Broken heart, confused, hurt…"

Whatever else he said, he didn't hear—he was already out of the door, heading for his car. How the hell did this happen? Why didn't she talk to him? He stopped that thought before it even finished; he knew why and it was because he wouldn't talk to her. He used all of his effort and avoided her, just so he didn't have to talk to her. He couldn't loose his job over her, even if she was everything to him.

He drove with no music, no talking, only his thoughts going on and on about this. What they hell was he going to say? '_Oh, hey, Sara; don't get yourself drunk over me. We are never going to be anything, my lab is everything.' _Yeah, that would so make her quit drinking.

When he arrived at her apartment, he just sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say or do. He knew he had to go soon or she'd be asleep, or drunk. He knew her too well. Brass telling her to stop drinking wasn't going to stop her if it was what she was going to do.

When he finally got up the stairs and knocked on her door, all he heard was 'I hate you,' and then crying. Oh, shit; was that directed at him, or…Yeah, there was no one else that it could be directed to. He knocked on the door, waiting for an answer. "Sara, open up, please." No answer. "Sara?"

He waited a few moments before opening up the door himself, finding only a spilt beer. He was quiet when he heard running water and crying from her bathroom. He sighed and headed towards the bathroom, finding that the door was already open. "Sara?" he asked, hearing her cries stifle, but they didn't stop.

Slowly, and carefully, he grabbed a towel and opened the shower to find her crumbled in the corner, the cold water running on her face. He tried to move fast since her lips were purple and her teeth were chattering, but he found himself staring at her. _God, she was beautiful,_and she was completely off limits—that was just his luck!

The shampoo was still in her hair and he moved the water so that it hit her head for just a few seconds, washing away the rest of the soap. It made her teeth chatter and him cringe. "I am sorry, Sara," he whispered, turning off the water and wrapping a towel around her and picking her up. He knew that she was light, but never this light. She wasn't eating again.

Sara, even in his arms, was still crying. It hurt. It hurt too bad to deal with all of this now; she couldn't do this at the moment. He was just taking her out of the water so that she didn't get sick. If she was sick, she couldn't work for them. Still, as he went to put her down, she clung to him, not wanting him to leave. Even if he didn't want her, she still wanting him, and she didn't want to let go. When she did, he'd just leave and blow it off tomorrow, punishing her by paperwork. He was too blind to see that this was all about him.

Grissom didn't know what to do as she clung to him. He wanted to hold her but it was all too tempting. But, if he didn't talk to her and fix this, they'd bring in Ecklie and then they'd both be screwed. So, he sat on the bed, holding onto her, rocking her back and forth gently. "Sara, please don't cry," was all he managed to say. He could have said that he was sorry, he could have kissed her, asked something, but he had to ask her not to cry, and that just made her cry harder. "I'm sorry," he said and that just made it worse for him. He was saying sorry for the wrong reasons.

He was saying sorry asking her not to cry and, in turn, making her cry again. That didn't cut it, though. He needed to say sorry for making her cry in the first place. He needed to tell her how much he wanted her, how much he needed her, and how sorry he was for neglecting her. He needed to tell her his fears of loosing the lab, and his greatest fear of loosing her forever, but he didn't. After all, he was Gilbert Grissom, and he didn't tell anyone anything.

After a while, her tears stopped, but she still clung to him. When she let go, he'd leave her again. She knew that she was hurting herself more by holding onto him, but she couldn't help it. She'd been chasing him for years and this seemed to be the closest they'd ever been. But this was the only time and the last time she was going to let this happen. She couldn't handle heart break anymore.

He kept a hold on her, wanting him in her arms, but not knowing how to say it. He was careful not to think anything, fearing that he would act on it.

He held her for a few moments before pushing her hair behind her ear and making her look up at him, her brown eyes wide from the simple but intimate gesture. "Why, Sara?" he asked her. He needed an answer. Brass was wrong, he wasn't him. It had to be something else. "And why were you just sitting there in the shower? You could have drowned," he said, real emotion hitting his voice—fear.

"Because it hurts, Grissom, and I don't want to hurt anymore. Loving you fucking hurts and love's not supposed to hurt!" She wasn't going to cry again. She was stronger than that. "And I am sick of feeling like this; I am sick of you not caring about me! I gave up everything for you and you don't even care!" She was trying to pull away now and only succeeding in making her towel fall, and he didn't even bother to cover her up, but held her close as she tried to get away from him.

"Who said I don't?"

"No one needs to, Grissom; it shows."

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**please review and thanks for the ones i have already gotten.**


	3. Chapter Three

**okay, so i realized that i have not yet posted a disclaimer as i intended. i do not own csi or any of its characters, okay? trust me, if i did, there'd be a lot more GSR.**

**anyways, i have never really perfected the art of grissom (this chapter is mostly him) , but he is a character, so his emotions might be a little...different than a typical gil grissom thing.  
also, this leads to me saying: this story is completely A/U, meaning that things are going to happen that would never happen in the show.. just relax and read. also, please note, that i am writing this story as we go along, so if you have any crimes/moments/scenes in here, email me, mmkayy?**

**- PORSHA !**

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He was quiet, not knowing what to say, but he still held onto her. If he let her go, who knew what was going to happen. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Sara, but I do care. If I didn't care, why the hell would I be here?" He did care; he cared a hell of a lot more than he wanted to explain to anyone, but he did. His voice, as usual, though, had no emotion to it. It was dead flat.

"Because I am your employee and you need me; that's all that you ever needed me for. When I first met you, I was amazed and I was lost in your eyes—I loved you the moment that I saw you. You asked me to come here and I jumped at it, thinking this would be good. But I asked you out numerous times and, each time, you'd blow me off, but you could always manage Cat or Sofia for a night out. Hell, for what I hear, you even managed Lady Heather!" She shook her head back and forth. "I don't matter." She was breaking down; Sara Sidle was finally breaking down.

Grissom shook his head. "No, you have it all wrong, Sara," he told her, trying to force her to look at him. She resisted and he stopped, not wanting to hurt her. "I do care, more than you know and that is why I said no. I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't. Sara, San Francisco was different than here. There we were simply friends, so we could do as we wanted. Here we are boss and employee. The lab is all that I have. I can't loose it over some girl."

Some girl. She was just some girl to him. "Let me go, Grissom! Let me go!" she was yelling it over and over again, pounding his chest with her fist. "You don't care," she screamed, crying again. "Let me go!"

He was trying to talk over her but it wasn't working. He didn't mean it like that—never like that. She was more than girl a girl to him; she was so much more, he just couldn't help it from coming out. He wanted to say it a different way. He wanted to say he couldn't loose the lab because it was all he had, but that would piss her off, too. Either way, he was going to loose this. Finally, she stopped yelling and was pounding his chest, all of her anger coming out, and he let her. She needed this.

After five minutes, her hands just seemed to be hitting every ten seconds, and it wasn't very hard. "Feel better?" he asked, but he got nothing. Instead, she had tears coming down again. _I am just a girl. I am just a stupid girl. _"God, Sara, I am sorry! I didn't mean it like that, I swear," he said, kissing the top of her head gently. "I swear, I didn't."

It was breaking him.

Seeing her like this was breaking him into one hundred pieces and he had to idea what to do.

He held onto her and, before long, sleep overtook both of them. He tried to place her on the bed, but she remained attached to him. "Don't leave, Grissom," her voice pleaded. "You always leave; don't leave me tonight, please. I need you." Of course, she was asleep, but it was what she felt. She needed him there.

She loved him.

With her death grip, he leaned back and moved so that they were both laying down, her on top of him.

This was when Gil Grissom finally told Sara how he felt; too bad that she was asleep and wasn't going to hear one part of it.

"I'm scared, Sara," he whispered. He feared waking her so his voice was something that he could barely hear. "You're wasting your life waiting for me. I am fifteen years old than you; you're going to want someone that can keep up with you, not someone like me." He smoothed her hair back and kissed her forehead. "I hoped that you would give up on me, maybe move on, but it never worked; it never worked for either of us. I get jealous," he admitted for the first time, "and I am an ass to you, I am sorry. I just…I can't stand the thought of someone touching you."

That was Grissom for you. He couldn't tell her how he felt, he could tell her to move on, but he'd still get pissed whenever she tried to get someone else. It was something that he wasn't used to, but he hated the feeling. When he saw someone touch her, his stomach would twist and he felt as though he'd be sick. He wanted to yell and tell them that she was his, but that would never work.

"But I can't tell you any of this, Sara," he admitted. "My lab is everything, but only because it keeps me from you. I'd give it all up for you, but I can't. All I can ever seem to do is hurt you, and I am sorry." He shook his head and moved with her so that they were under the blankets. "I care for you; I care for you more than anyone I have ever met, but I just can't."

He loved her, but he couldn't say it aloud. He had never even said to it himself, he couldn't say it to her now.

"I am so sorry, Sara."

**hmmm, so, review, as always. i am on the third chapter, as you see, and i don't have many reviews. (as i write, i have three) however, i have a lot of views. just review saying "love it/hate it/update" and i'll post faster.  
PORSHA !**


	4. Chapter Four

When Sara awoke in the morning, she was surprised to find Grissom still with her and even more surprised to find her hands gripping tight to her shirt. She blinked a few times, still holding onto him. She knew him. When he woke up, he'd leave again and he'd forget everything.

He was asleep for only a few more minutes before waking up himself, surprised to see Sara awake. After all the sleep that she missed due to work and nightmares, he figured that she'd be sleeping for while, not waking up as early as she did. She was still clinging, he noted, and it broke his heart. "Morning, Sara."

Sara sighed and looked up at him, her eyes bloodshot red—she still needed sleep. "Morning, Grissom," she said as he sat up with, grabbing his glasses. She looked fearful as she let go for a second, stretching her arms before grabbing his shirt again. His expression looked some amused and then other wise pissed.

"Sara, how about be go eat something and then we need to talk, okay?" Last night, he didn't really get to say anything, and he really didn't care to—he was going to let her get what she wanted out. "If you let me go, I'll go make us breakfast and you can go shower, okay?"

"I don't think we should talk, Grissom," she said, loosening her grip and moving, now, she that she was sitting on the bed. "You said what you thought last night," she said, not hearing what he said when she was asleep. "I am just some girl, remember? We don't need to talk about anything. I am going to talk to Ecklie and then maybe resign. I can't do this anymore. I am sick of hurting."

Her words shocked him. She was going to leave him? He felt his stomach twist and he didn't say anything for a long time, just staring at her. "I didn't mean it, Sara! It just came out, I swear," he said, shaking his head. "Please, Sara, don't leave; the lab needs you." _I need you._

"See, everything is about the lab! You need me because the lab needs me, that's all," she told him, his eyes showing too many emotions for him to unmask. "I can't stay here anymore, Grissom; there are too many nightmares and broken dreams. I can't, Grissom," said Sara, her voice breaking. "I have to get away."

"So take leave, Sara," he said quickly. "You have long enough; just go and clear your head and then come back. Just don't leave, please." He couldn't have her leave. But maybe that'd be better. He couldn't have her, so maybe she needed to leave. She needed to be happy. "But, we need to talk," he said.

Shaking her head, she stood, her legs shaking. "No. Brass was wrong, you know? He told me over and over again that you did love me, that I just needed to wait and give you time; I have. I have gave you more time that ever needed and everything is still the same." She shook her head. "Love hurts, and I don't want to hurt anymore," she said, fleeing to the bathroom, tears down her cheeks.

She didn't know when the hell she became so emotional. She used to be good at keeping everything in, not letting anyone know. Grissom would always find out, though, and make her sleep, make her do something. Now, everyone saw that something was up and almost everyone blamed Grissom. No one was stupid. Everyone knew how the two felt, but the two of them.

Grissom sat there for a moment, not knowing what to do. He had to talk to her and he had to make her feel okay; he had to make himself feel okay as well. He could hear her stifled cries and his heart broke again. He sighed and stood up, heading into the kitchen. He wanted to go to her. He wanted to go there and hold her, but he couldn't. Instead, he busied himself with breakfast. He was pretty surprised that she had everything needed.

Some twenty minutes or so later, breakfast was done and Sara still hadn't emerged from the bathroom and this worried him. He placed everything on plates before heading to the bathroom and knocking once, getting no answer and knocking again. After several times, he open the door to find Sara in the midst of another breakdown. He was confused, he concluded as he moved forward, taking her into his arms. "Sara, what's wrong?" he questioned as he tears came down harder. Maybe coming in here wasn't a good idea; he seemed to be the obvious problem. "Talk to me, please."

She shook her head back and forth, trying to get out of his arms again but he held her firm against him. "It hurts and you're just going to leave me again! I don't want you to leave and your going to," she said before resuming her attempts to get away from him. "I love you and you don't even care. You. Don't. Fucking. Care," she said, thinking that he needed it broken down. Why couldn't he see the problem? She knew that everyone else could.

"You're wrong," Grissom said, his voice turning cold, anger in his eyes, making her cry harder. "Dammit," he said more to himself than her. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice softer. "I do care, more than I have ever cared before, I just…I don't know who to tell you. I don't know how to put everything into words. Maybe what I feel doesn't matter because all I ever seem to do is hurt you. I am just scared, Sara. Half the things I say are a lie to you; I just don't want you to know how I really feel."

She looked up at that and quit trying to get away from his. Their faces were an inch apart but no one moved; no one found it a good idea to do anything. "What does that mean? Why are lying to me, Grissom, in the first place? Why the hell don't you just say everything that you really want to say and get it over with?" she said, letting her anger get the better of it. "I am a big girl; I can handle the truth. You don't have to act like you care about me."

"I am not lying about that, Sara Sidle! I do care about you. I care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone! I just…I don't want to hurt you and I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make everything come out right and I don't know if it is the best idea, either," he told her, wiping a tear away. "I am afraid to tell you; I am scared to let you get closer than you are now. I am scared that it'll hurt. I am afraid it will hurt more if you leave me."

"Just tell me," she managed.

He was quiet for a while. He was quit for a good five minutes, trying to get everything that he needed to say in the correct order; he didn't want to sound like a stupid idiot. "I care, Sara. I care more than I ever have before. I get jealous and hurt, but I don't know how to tell you any of it," he shook his head at her. "Sara, I think I love you."

Silence.

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**don't forget reviews, all right? i don't want to be a bitch, but I am going to ask for at least 5 reviews per chapter, okay? I can see how many people are reading and no one seems to say anything. just a simple 'i like it. update' works for me.**

**also, read Grissom1 (penny's) stories. i swear, i have to go to a meeting because of her. it's a deadly addiction.**


	5. Chapter Five

**okay, so, i got grounded, so this is a little bit later than i wanted. warning to all: never call your mom a bitch, kay?  
anyways, all of these mistakes are mine because i don't have a beta and i, honestly, do not understand what it is.  
i don't own any of these characters or anything else that is mentioned; i write for fun and only fun.  
this means NO PROFIT.**

**anyways, anyone with any ideas, please let me know because this is my first story, and i obviously don't know  
what to include and what not to. and, by the way, many major events will prolly happen but they are not going  
to be in order i have no sense of time, i know.**

story to read: 'Just One Look' - GSRCSILVR25.  
it's another one of those stories that i read in one night.

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The silence broke his heart. He didn't know why but it was hurting more than any rejection that she could have given him. She wasn't even trying to say anything; she was just staring up at him like he was some kind of an idiot. And she sat there for a while, just staring at him. She looked like she was in shock. He wondered if saying anything was a good idea; probably not, he concluded.

Finally, after what seemed to be hours, she spoke to him. "You can't be serious, Gilbert Grissom! I mean, either you love someone and you don't and if you do really love me, you have a really bad way of showing it because shoving me off and denying any attempt that I had to start a relationship in anyway and I don't know!" Everything came out in one sentence; everything was one big ramble.

Now it was his time to look at her like she lost her mind and then hurt finally found his eyes. "I am serious, Sara. I wouldn't lie about this, at all," he said, slowly. He had to be careful, he knew, before he crossed the wrong line and was thrown out. "I have never been so cure about anything in my life. And I only said that I think because I didn't know if it was the right thing to say. I _do _love you, Sara Sidle. I swear I do."

Her head was spinning and she didn't know what to say to him; her thoughts were doing some kind of tango, not knowing what to agree to. A part of her was telling her to go for it because it was what she wanted. It was what she dreamed he'd say every time they were alone, but he never did. The other side was telling her that he was just going to hurt her and he didn't mean any of it. He was just saying it to make her stay at lab. _The lab needs you, _she remembered him saying. "You're just saying that because of the lab," she said, with no emotion to her voice as she fought against her inner struggle. "It's just because you don't want me to leave."

"I don't want you to leave, Sara, but that is not why I am saying this. I have waited years to say this, and it is just now coming out," he told her, letting her go when she pulled away, not across from him. Her eyes were wide and she looked ready to run, but she stayed, wanting to hear what else he had to say. He was Gil Grissom. He didn't have emotions. "I think you leaving is a catalyst." He stopped. "I mean, it should have been said a long time again, but I am not good at this."

Yeah, he wasn't, he noted as she watched him, her arms wrapped tightly around her midsection, looking at him. "Yeah, you should have said it a long time again," she agreed, "and then maybe I would believe you." She was making this harder. She wasn't going to give in, just to have him hurt her again. "It's too late, Grissom," she told him, looking at him as his emotionless stare filled with hurt and regret.

"God, no, Sara," he said, shaking his head as a single tear slipped from the corner of his eyes. It hurt to here her saying and, for once, he had a feeling of the rejection that she faced daily when he told her no or ignored her longing glances. "I am so sorry, Sara. I wish I had told you sooner, but I didn't know how. I didn't want to let you in, but now I do. I'm ready to tell you everything," he admitted, looking at her with eyes full of longing. "Please, tell me. Is it really too late?" he asked her.

She looked at him and the tear that fell from his eye and the change that appeared. His face held actual emotion that was based off of words, not just someone getting hurt. He was feeling emotions. He was filled with actual human emotions. The emotions of love and rejection, the two that she felt everyday.

She shook her head softly to the side. "No," she said, her voice raw. "You're not too late. I love you and I don't think that will ever change," she said, stating it like a fact. It was a fact. She couldn't help that she loved him because if she could, she would have found someone a long time ago.

Grissom smiled a sad smile and held out his arms to her, a gesture that was very unlike Grissom. Sara on the other side of him, hesitated before crawling over towards him, letting his arms snake around her, hers dropping for the place they held at her waist. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "I'm really sorry." He was going to keep saying it until she believed it. "And I love you. I am not saying it because I just want you to stay. I am saying it because I do."

Sara nodded softly and turned so that she was looking at him. "I'm sorry for hurting you, and I love you, too."

Grissom suddenly nodded and looked at the bathroom door. He flashed her a smile. "Let's go eat, okay? I don't want your food to get cold," he said as she nodded and they stood up.

There was too many emotions and he didn't know what to do.

He panicked.

**please review.**


	6. Chapter Six

-1She noticed the change the second that he said they needed to get something to eat. Still, she agreed. She nodded and stood up, going into her small kitchen. "What do you want?" she asked him.

He followed slowly behind her, trying to justify why he did that. He should have kissed her, he should have done something, but it wasn't going to happen. They were Sara and Grissom, after all. One step forward and they would move two backwards. "How about I cook? I have tasted your food Miss. Sidle, and I don't want to do that again."

His comment earned him a glare but she agreed and moved out of the kitchen. They settled together on a vegetarian omelet.

When it was done, he placed it in front of her. They sat at the table, both of their heads at works.

She wanted to know why he didn't kiss her. It wasn't morning breath, she brushed her teeth. Normally a kiss came before love, right? Why was everything with them so backwards?

He wanted to know the same thing, but he had a basic answer. He had cold feet. Sure, he knew that he needed to grow up, get some balls, and then kiss her, but that meant that letting her in even more. He told her everything emotionally, but nothing physically. He held her and that was it. Nothing more, he told himself. They needed time. They needed to make everything okay.

He wasn't stupid. He knew that if he kissed her, something else was going to happen. They had years of foreplay. The brushes, the everything and now the other knew everything that the other kept inside. A kiss would be…it would be so much more than a kiss.

"What are you thinking about? I have been saying you name for a few minutes," stated Sara, twirling her fork between her thumb and index finger.

"Oh, sorry, I was thinking, obviously." _I am such a geek, _he thought, shaking his head which gave earned him a look from Sara. "Oh, sorry," he said again. Shit, why couldn't he talk? "I was just thinking about nothing and then again everything," he said. He wasn't going to say he was thinking about kissing her. "What about you? You seemed quiet for a while, as well."

"Oh. I was thinking about why you hadn't kissed me yet," she said with a small smile. She was blunt. She wasn't going to keep it in. "Why haven't you?"

Did she know that was on his mind? No, she couldn't. Well, maybe he could. She seemed to know him better than anyone and that was just from watching. They never really did anything and they didn't talk, not anymore. She just watched, never touching. Close but never touching. Hmm, that seemed to be how they were. Close but never allowed to touch..

"Grissom? Are you going to answer me?" Sara's annoyed voice entered his thoughts making him smile a little.

"Yeah, I am, sorry." That was the third time that he had said he was sorry. "Erm. Well. I don't really know if it is a good idea, Sara." She gave him another look meaning that he needed to explain himself. "I mean, I don't know if it is a good idea because that means so much more. That means physically as well an there is not telling where that could lead and I don't know. I don't want to rush things, Sara; I don't want to hurt you again."

"Well, I want you to kiss me, Gil." She use his first name on purpose, as an advantage, she hoped. The word felt foreign on her tongue, but familiar at the same time. "If something happens, it happens. I mean, we are two adults, Gil, and you said that you love me, so it shouldn't matter."

The look on his face was clear, though. It mattered. He didn't want to risk it. He didn't want to start something that he couldn't finish. He was so…so old and it was times like his that he wished he was younger.

"Oh," she said simply before standing up, bringing her dishes to the sink.

A/N: I know that it took me forever to update! Well, life took hold and I had my birthday and all that good stuff. I had a hard time writing his chapter, so I am thinking of closing this fanfic soon, I will admit. I have a cute ending for it, I believe. I don't want to add any cases because I am no that creative.

But, anyways, I am looking, at the moment, someone to co-write a story with. It would help if you are good with grammar and ideas. Also, not afraid to push me 'cause I get lazy and I know. Also, a beta. I don't have one and I have a lot of mistakes, I know, and they need to be fixed. So, send me a message, please. (:

Hugs and love,

PORSHA !


	7. Chapter Seven

He sat there as she moved around the kitchen, watching her. He saw her wipe her eyes a few times, but he didn't say anything. He was hurting her even though he had just stated that wasn't what he wanted anymore. He just didn't know how to give people everything. Okay, so, maybe that was only part of it all; the other was that he was old.

Even if she didn't want to see it, he was an old man, meaning that he couldn't give her everything that she needed, or wanted for that matter. All those years ago, before she came to Vegas, it was a little easier. Sure, he was older than her like he would always be, but he was still younger than he was now. He had the stamina and everything else needed for…what it could lead to. Did he want it? Yeah. Did he think he could do _it? _Yeah. Did he think he could do it so that _she _liked it? No, he didn't and that made for the problems. He wished that it wasn't so hard.

She came back out the kitchen, the evidence that she had been crying all over her face. _Shit, _he thought. He didn't want to make her cry. He just wanted to make her happy with him. He gave her a small smile but received nothing back as she reached for his plate to bring it to the kitchen. He quickly grabbed a hold of her hand, moving and standing so that she was looking at him. Nothing. Besides the evidence that she had been crying, her face was empty; it was a closed book with nothing for him to read.

"Sara," he whispered, his voice coming out slightly strangled. "I sorry, I really am," he told her gently. "I just… I am so _old," _he said, sputtering out the last word like it was the worse world in the world and, to him, he was. His age, next to his job, was the most important factor into why he had never went after her; why he had never told her anything before this. "I don't want you to be disappointed if it isn't-" A finger at his lips stopped him and he looked at her.

"God, Grissom," Sara muttered shaking her head at him. "How _stupid _could you be?" she asked him, looking at him in an annoyed state but also one that looked slightly amused. "For one, you are not old by any means," she stated, pressing her finger hard against his lips as he began to object. "Let me talk, Griss. You're not old, okay? And I am expecting the world from you or asking you to be perfect; I am just asking you to love me in everyway possible. Is it is so hard? So hard to love me?" she asked him, blinking her eyes once and then twice..

After she was quiet for a moment or two, he took that as her being done and began to speak again. "I am sorry, Sara; it is just old insecurities, that's all," he muttered, holding her hand now against his lips. "You're not hard at all, Sara. If anything, you are way to easy to love; you have everyone falling at your feet and yet you want to pick me," he said, shaking his head with a slightly strangled laugh. "I do love you more than anything else."

"Then, please. Gil, show me," Sara said, pressing herself closer and closing the gap in between the two of them. "Please just let us try," she whispered, looking up at him. They didn't need to wait anymore. They had years of flirting and foreplay. They had the feelings and now it was just the physical part that they needed. Yes, she was happy with just him loving her, but she wanted more; she wanted more than this.

He hesitated before clasping his hands gently on her cheeks and lifting her head up, pressing his lips gently against hers. It wasn't the kiss that she expected, seeing that it was more like a ten year olds exchange of kisses, but it was magical all the same.

It made Sara's head spin and she wound her arms up around his neck, pressing her body close to his, her tongue against his lips begging for entry. He was slightly hesitant, but he wanted it as well. He could protest all that he wanted and try and get out of it, but he wanted it just the same. He wanted to kiss her and touch her and make love to her ever since he left that night, but he knew he ruined it then….

_His eyes blinked open and Grissom could feel a naked Sara beside him. _Shit, _he thought on impulse as Sara Sidle, his student, lay on his arms, all of her clothes off. What had he done? He was a good ten years, at least, older than her and yet he slept with her. _This is a mistake, _he thought, he knew it was anything but._

_He wanted what happened the night before more than anything. When she turned around, pressing her lips against his, begging for him to sleep with her. _Even if just once, _she told him before assaulting his neckline with tender kisses. He debated pulling his 'sex without love is sad' speech, but he couldn't. He didn't know what she felt but he loved her the day that he met her; the day that she started firing questions at him was the best day of his life._

_So, he gave in. When he woke up, he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to frighten her by telling her that he loved her, so it was okay. He had no idea…_

_Lost in thought, he barely felt Sara move in his arms, blinking her eyes open, a smile spreading on to her face. "Morning," she said, grateful that he hadn't left when she was sleeping. Anyone else would have left and she wouldn't have cared, but he was different. She loved him, she thought, but she wasn't sure. She didn't know what love was. The love she had endured was her dad beating her and then her mother yelling and screaming. That wasn't our typical family love; and family love was all that she really knew. _

"_Morning, Sara," he said, fighting to keep his tone even and not too welcoming. He couldn't stay here. He needed to go home. "About last night," he said before they could have a repeat or he said something that could hurt him in the end. He sat up and looked at her, no real emotion there anymore. "I never should have crossed that line, Sara, and I am sorry." She looked hurt and went to speak but he stopped her. "It won't happen again, I promise you that; I am leaving for Vegas tomorrow, anyways. It was a mistake."_

_Sara blinked her eyes and looked at him before letting her face settle into her hard, guarded demeanor once again. "Yeah, a mistake," she said, quickly getting up. "I am going to shower. You can leave whenever; you have my email and telephone number incase you ever need again," she said before disappearing into the bathroom. She made sure to wait until he was gone to start crying. He thought that it was mistake, meaning that she was going to act like it was to her, too._

_But everything that happened just made her fall in love with him more. And when he left and she still called and talked, he fell in love more than possible. _

But now she was here and she wanted to try everything again. _I will not call this one a mistake, _he thought as he allowed her entry, tasting her now. She was a lot better than he remembered and now everything that he tried to push out of his mind was back. He remembered the feel of her skin beneath his finger tips and the connection that he felt. He remembered the kisses and everything that he wanted more than anything but fought hard to get out of his mind. He could have all that now. He was ready.

_A/N: I am soooo sorry that these are coming in late. I am on vacation with my family and we keep staying at my moms ex-fiancées house. (I think there is something going on with them, again. XDD ) But yeah. He is like a rich ass and in the middle of no where and the only internet that you can get is with his card thingy and he won't let me use it. D:_

_This is going to be prolly the last chapter before the last and then I might do an epilogue. You want it longer than that? Give me ideas and tell me that you want it longer. If not, we will let it close and I will begin the other story that seems like fun. (:_

_As for the co-writing, I want you all to PM me, not post here. Yes, I review the reviews, but sending me a PM is a better way for me to keep track of it. Also, I am going to ask what you have some kind if instant messenger. Yes, I know there is email, but I never check it unless I am checking for story reviews, so I would never get to plan anything with you. Also, a story that we write would have to be rated at least T. _

_LAST THING, I PROMISE! If you role play CSI, send me something. I spent days looking for a role play and I failed at it. No one role plays it, and yet everyone seems to write it. If you don't know what role playing is, send me a message and I will try and teach you. (:_

_Please review!_

_- PORSHA ! _


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